The Confessions of an Idiot
by TaurenLeaf
Summary: Gaara's best friend is...? ! Neji can't...? ! What the hell? ! And that's only two! The secrets of all your favorite characters are revealed!
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** We do not own Naruto! Primary doesn't really want to either, if fan fiction creates this much stress for her, she doesn't ever want to be involved in something that updates weekly XD.

**Confessions of and Idiot:** Prologue

**TaurenLeaf**

—

Lylian Nydia Sutar­: Me.

Status: Divorced…_twice_.

Age: Older than you will ever be.

Occupation: Counselor.

Currently: Thinking of how pathetic my life is.

I have been in this line of work for a long time now... I have heard confessions of actions most would have never of thought possible. Some confessions have given me nightmares, while some have given me cramps—from the hours of laughter. I guess that must be why I am _so open minded_.

You must be thinking that a person like me would have no friends at all. That...is true. But my philosophy is: Friends? Who needs them? A husband? Nah—they're just useless fools.

Trust is something I don't believe in. If someone decides to tell me something, I will take it to its full potential. Evidently, the tabloid magazines. In this country, the famous are the elite, the honored and the ones who set examples (which is the whole reason exploiting their secrets is worthwhile). Where, the United States is the home of the whiny celebrities that everyone gets bored of sooner or later.

So lately I've been locking myself in my room, gluing my butt in front of the computer, trying to recall past clients' confessions. Too bad I was never fully paying attention...

—  
**A/N:**

**_TaurenLeaf Primary _–**GO! NEXT CHAPTER! HURRY! Press Da Purple button!

**TaurenLeaf Secondary – **We're not color blind….You idiot…


	2. Enter: Gaara

**The Confessions of an Idiot**

**Enter:** Gaara

**TaurenLeaf**

—

There was that one client...I remember him very clearly...

That kid—red hair, an ugly tattoo on his forehead, the one with the awkward punk look… Someone should have told him that Good Charlotte had been over for a long time.

And the sand! Oh how I hated it, it was always around in that gourd of his. He seemed to be incapable of taking it off. And yeah, I _have_ asked many times, but he always snapped back at me, saying how I just wanted him defenseless...the freak.

He was always breaking down; always fighting over control of his own body. Dude. Next time, leave your demon at _home_.

-

-

"Sutar-san."

"Yes?" I replied, hoping that he would just pay me the 50 dollars and get the hell out of my face. But, no…he _had_ to go on. Stupid 'no time-limit' guarantee of my stupid company. Stupid.

"It's about my teddy…"

"Your teddy," I repeated, as if I would if I'd had cared. Now I feel I should have listened; then I would've known what he was talking about.

"I miss him…" He had practically _moaned_ it. "My father took him away from me…"

"And how do you feel about that?" A very nice line. You have no idea how much it's gotten me out of, I would have never have gotten this far without it. As long as you say it, people actually think you're doing your job. Is it my fault I would rather listen to my iPod?

"I feel…sad," the boy sobbed. Okay then, he's definitely not punk. Rather emo, I think. And that has _never_ been 'in'.

"Why, Daddy? Why did you have to take away my only friend? He was the only one I didn't want to kill…"

I yawned. Oh my god, he didn't hear that, did he? No—his cries should have covered everything within ten miles…

"Daddy! Just because he got covered in blood _one_ time!"

Hmm… interesting…I wonder if he knows his father is dead…? How sad.

"—it doesn't mean he's dirty! I made that lady wash him until her fingers were pruned! He was clean!"

I started to draw on my notebook. The image in my mind was of a dog, but out on paper, it looked more like a horse. I think I'll name it '_A Horse-like Dog'_. Another tip: as long as you jab at the notebook, they don't notice a thing.

"I want a new one! With and fluff and fur!" he proclaimed. Quite loudly too; I nearly dropped my picture. That wouldn't be good…

"The Build-A-Bear Workshop is just around the corner." I quickly recovered, smiling sweetly. I better get a discount there for this; I don't usually do favors—not even for my niece (I think she's had a crush on the manager there since she'd gotten the job). What's happening to me? It must be this job….I've gone soft…

"Thank you," he wiped his face on the pillow. His snot and tears…all over my pillow! Ew.

"I feel like I'm actually being listened to here" he said, getting up to leave. Good, as long as you 'feel' that way, my job is done.

I sat back in my chair. Another 50 bucks earned, who needs a husband now?

-

-

As I stared at the computer screen, trying to recall more memories, I wondered, _why_ did I quit that job anyways? This gossip magazine doesn't pay half as much…

—

**A/N:**

**_TaurenLeaf Primary_- **And that's only the first one! Since these are going to be short, we might finish the whole collection in a few weeks! We're going to take requests for upcoming chapters. (Ahem…..yes we are, aren't we, Secondary?)

**TaurenLeaf Secondary- **UH… Sure, whatever you need to tell yourself.


	3. Enter: Neji

**The Confessions of an Idiot**

**Enter:** Neji

**TaurenLeaf**

—

As I poured myself a cup of bitter tasting drink, I asked myself, why did I leave my job? Why is it that I chose retirement and yet—still working? But most importantly, why didn't I ask my secretary how to make a decent cup of coffee?

No worries, I will get past that dilemma. For another matter, it seemed my first article did not do so well (ahem: one review?) but I will just have to improve this time.

Closing my eyes and concentrating hard, I began to see images of familiar faces. Even so, those names did not come to me; except one—Hyuuga Neji.

At first glance, I was not sure whether he was a girl or a boy. He (I know now, that he is in fact, a boy) had no breasts, but his shoulders were broad, like a man's. He wore his hair down, long and straight, yet his voice was not as high pitched as was a girl's. But the problem was quickly solved, I just had to be careful to not use he's _or_ she's while addressing him. I couldn't offend my highly wealthy clients—at least not out loud.

However, this solution did not end my curiosity. And from there my search grew on—I wanted to find the truth, no matter what. I watched him from windows and bushes, hiding when necessary and one time, was nearly trampled by monkeys. Dare I say it, I was a stalker.

Following him around did not help. He hung out with a boy and a girl, and was always talking about training. It was hard to tell, he could've been just another wannabe Hokage boy, or a girl stating that women work hard too.

-

-

I was counting up the week's profits when the door opened. Hands filled with ten dollar bills, I glanced at my schedule. Is it seven already? My eyes widened when I noticed just _how_ much money I had piled on my desk.

"So, Hyuuga Neji, is it?" I asked politely. My movements were quick; I was able to cover the money without exposing even a tiny bit. Or so I had hoped.

"Yes."

"So, first, tell me a little about yourself." I said promptly, although my voice was somewhat muffled. The line was from Counseling for Dummies, and I made quite good use of it.

"No."

"Haha, you like to get straight to the point, don't you? Okay then, tell me, what's wrong?" I asked in the most concerned—and muffled—voice I could muster in the situation.

"Before that, why are you in that position?"

You mean why my head is on my desk and my arms around it like I'm playing Heads Up, Seven Up? Well, you see, I was counting my money when you came in! You, who doesn't know how to knock, forcing _me_ to cover up my money! And oh yes, my head _is_ big enough for that... "I have a huge headache," I said, thinking quickly (voice still muffled, the five and ten dollar bills shoved halfway up my nose and jammed against my mouth did not help either).

"I see. Then I'll come back another day," Hyuuga Neji's voice said, rushed.

"No, no, it's no problem. Stay, please." Yeah, please. Stay with that 50 dollars…

"I should really go; I don't want to bother you. At all."

"NO—STAY! I mean, be a dear and uh…get me that green cup, would you?" I said. Uh-huh, hurry up and turn around for a few seconds so I could hide all this money!

I glanced up and I began to think my plan working, when Neji turned back around to me. "Which one was it?"

"The green one, dear." Didn't I already say that? Get on with it! Do you need me to spell it out for you? G-R-E-E—

"Um… would you happen to remember where you placed it?"

I coughed. "Just go out and ask my secretary for a cup of hot water."

"All right."

I heard the door open and close. Yes! Finally gone! How long did that take? Such an ignorant fool! Quickly, I shoved the money into my (brand new) Gucci bag. So much for the hours spent separating tens from twenties…

Relaxed and happy my money was hidden, I resumed my usual fake, perky attitude.

"Your water," Neji said, back with a thermos of hot water.

"Yes, thank you. You can just take a seat on that yellow chair."

"I refuse." Neji stated, sternly. How _rude_.

"Um, sure, just take any chair then."

Neji took his pick and sat. I stared in amazement. "Dear, that would be the _yellow_ chair…" What the hell? Does He-She not understand Japanese? "Can you see okay? Is it the lighting here?"

"No. I…um…"

"Hmm?" What was it?

There was a pause. "I'm color blind."

Well, _that_ would explain a lot. "I see…"

"Overuse of the Byakugan brings color blindness. It's like how the Sharingan causes blindness."

"That's not right; missions shouldn't cause you to use the Byakugan much at all."

"It's not the missions…"

-

-

Ah…Now I remember a new name—Tenten.

But that would be next week's article...

—  
**A/N:**

**_TaurenLeaf Primary _–**To clarify, Neji uses Byakugan for something else….involving Tenten, or more generally _girls_. Anyways, HAHA ALL IN ONE DAY!

**TaurenLeaf Secondary – **Good job Primary. I still wonder, why DOES it take you so long?


	4. Enter: Tenten

**The Confessions of an Idiot**

**Enter:** Tenten

**TaurenLeaf**

—

_v. intr._ Procrastination

_What it is called when I write a story_

_that I could've done the week before but_

_instead, I decide to write it the day I was _

_supposed to turn it in._

Now, let's get started…

Tenten was an odd one, fairly cute, yes, but odd. Those buns on top of her head made me want to do one thing—and no—before you even start thinking it; I'm not a rapist, pedophile, or lesbian.

I've always wondered, what would happen if you stick something right through the middle of one of them? Would it break apart? They're always so—perfectly round! Maybe she puts something in them to keep the shape, like those rubber band balls…

-

-

"Tenten-san, are you okay?" I said, narrowing my eyes. Just what was she doing? She'd been sitting as still as a statue since she came in. Just sitting…and staring. At me, it seemed. So I stared right back, not daring to look away (the girl was frightening! What would _you_ do if someone just sat there and stared at you?).

She didn't move at all—I began to wonder if she was breathing, her chest did not move, and neither did her nostrils, from what I could see. Was this a joke? Did my rival from down the hall pay her just to sit in my office like a…a… mime? Even if so, I didn't break the gaze. It must have been at least five long and uncomfortable minutes of Tenten's blank glare before I noticed.

She _was_ moving.

Her hand shook almost too fast for the human eye to see (well no shit, it took five minutes). I guess my eyes adjusted or something, because I see now, her whole body was moving. Just shaking…like a hummingbird having a seizure (_similes and metaphors_,my fifth grade LA teacher says,_ are the keys to beautiful writing)_. What the hell was her problem? Next time, I'm making sure there's no appointment on 'Annual Twitching Day'.

But shrinks are supposed to be nice, remember? They're basically paid mothers for pathetic people with no friends! So I say, "Tenten-san, have a cup of water. Are you uncomfortable? Why don't you move to the sofa? And rela—"

I don't know. It was like a whooshing sound—the sound that a sword makes when it's unsheathed. A kunai appeared out of nowhere, right at my throat. The only thing that came into my mind was that I wasn't going to pay for the hospital bill afterwards. Actually—no, the first thing I thought was that I was going to charge double.

But she stopped and—_twitched_.

It seems that there's actually a plus for her twitch syndrome: it stops her from killing me. How lovely…

Tenten's eyes grew wide and began to tremble uncontrollably; they were practically hanging over her eye sockets! Well, I change my mind. Take my life if you have to! Just get her out of my face! Forget the 50 dollars! Take it all! _Wait_—you didn't hear that…

Honestly, is she physically retar—err, challenged or something? Whose eyes bug out like those pink 'poo' toys do when you squeeze them?

My eyes couldn't close. Damn, the buns...are so...annoying! I just want to—poke, poke. I imagined using a chopstick and pushing those irritating rubber balls out of ther—

"Sorry! I thought you were Neji," Tenten exclaimed, exasperated. She stopped herself and backed down twitching again.

"Neji? You mean Hyuuga Neji?" Say wha? I'm like six inches taller than him! I look like a telephone pole! And you're confusing me with _him_? Lady, you need glasses.

"Yeah, him. Why doesn't he like me?" she asked, sounding desperate.

Because Dearie, you're confusing him with a _telephone pole_. "How are you sure that he doesn't like you?"

"When I 'drop' things on the ground for him to get for me, he just ignores me and runs away!"

"Give me an example," I say.

"Well, one time, I threw my favorite kunai to him," Tenten cried, "and, and, and he just dodged it! He let it go! So then—I had to go _all_ the way to get it back!"

"Oh yes, that is quite sad. Very depressing," I started to nod my head. Does she even hear herself? If someone is throwing a kunai at you, what would you do?

Yes Tenten, we'd all just stand there and catch it for you.

"So then this time," she continued on, "I brought 10 of them. He had to catch at least _one_, right?" Her eyes shined as she spoke.

"Of course," I smiled. Where does crazy girl logic come from these days? I'm sure I wasn't like this when I was young. Oh, that seemed _so_ long ago. There were ponies, and pink, pretty bows and dresses, and Barbies and—

"─BUT HE LETS THEM _ALL_ GO!"

"I see, I see..." But then something happened—like the term 'a light bulb went off in my head'. I remembered what Hyuuga Neji said those few weeks ago. "Oh, Tenten, I'm pretty sure he likes you."

"Really?" I could hear every ounce of hope in her voice, "How do you know?"

"Do you have an outdoor bathtub?" She said a quick and eager "yes", and I continued. "Uh-huh, and you know that Neji is color blind? Being his teammate?"

"Actually, yes." Tenten said with a bit of confusion. I was really trying hard not to burst out laughing but it was pretty damn close to impossible. "And can you guess _why_ he's color blind?"

"Yes, of course—he's been using the Byakugan too much."

I let out a laugh and said, "Don't you think that missions won't require that much use?"

There was silence. And then Tenten's eyes bugged out even further than before. It was like an extra large Deluxe Poo Toy.

—

**A/N:**

**Blah – this is edited. Does it make sense now?**


	5. Enter: Orochimaru

**The Confessions of an Idiot**

**Enter: Orochimaru**

**TaurenLeaf**

(**Note for those of you who read the A/Ns:** In the end, Secondary convinced me. And that one person who requested Anko…Sorry!)

―

"Leave it alone!" I frantically yelled. A certain friend of mine had become increasingly persistent, no― _annoyingly_ persistent lately.

To her, it was like if the world wasn't neat and tidy, it would crumble to pieces, screaming "O lord! Forgives our sins!" Then, we would have to give up our children for their hands would be too dirty! Of course, I'd be in the background laughing; I'm not one to go through childbirth—and get nothing in return.

Nevertheless, I would wind up with the burdens. As it seems, my not-so lovely friend decided that my apartment was too "untidy". Apparently she didn't notice the maid's reaction to that comment, but to me—it screamed "Let's see you try it, Miss-hasn't-worked-a-day-of-her-life." It might have been better that she hadn't seen.

"Darling, you must throw out all these old letters," she was using that haughty tone of hers again. The only reason she ended up so rich is because I gave her _my_ lottery ticket, back in what? Fourth grade? And look at her now! Screw my fake kindness—if only I wasn't so sure that the bum (who sold them to us) didn't rip us off…

"The box that they're in is ratty, too." What the hell—_you_ gave it me! That must be reason! "Let's throw it away!" her eyes sparkled at the thought. Let's _not_…

Regardless of what my personal thoughts were, she dumped all the letters into the trash. All except one, that is. It had hit the rim and dropped out.

_To: Lylian Nydia Sutar _

_From: Orochimaru of the Frightful Sound_

-

-

At first sight, he was... hideous. His skin was pale, his eyes; horrendous and his tongue― EW. His face matched his name perfectly.

"Orochimaru?" I glanced up. I had made no mistake. The man was fugly. "You mean…as in...'oro', 'chi', and 'maru'?"

"Yes," he said. His stuck out his tongue, licking his lips. I twitched. Tenten must have been contagious.

"As in… vaginal discharge earth man?" I was aghast, how did his parents come up with a name worse than his appearance?

"No," he hissed. "As in the mythical eight headed snake." Even worse…

"My name is of a legend, as I wish to become a legend also. Just like my idol," he said proudly, "… It is my dream!"

What is he? Part if the Naruto reject pile? 'My dream is to be Hokage, like my dead father!'

"Your idol, huh?" I said, acting as if I cared.

"Yes, my idol, Michael Jackson." I nearly spat out my drink. _Michael Jackson_? He had to pick the ugly dude? Wait, what am I saying? —The dude _uglier_ than himself?

"He is so beautiful," Orochimaru sniffed, "that a real nose wouldn't suit him, only a fake one would do. Real skin isn't good enough either, so that part is fake, too."

"I've tried my best to look like him, but tell me, did I do enough?" He sniffed again. Well, let's see, if you squint your eyes and turn about 15 degrees to the left, you look identical to him. Good job, you look like a molester.

"You look just like him, Orochimaru-san." _Not_ a lie.

He sniffed, "I even took Sasuke so I can share my bed with him. I try so hard."

Wait, you like to rape young boys too? I need to keep track of _who _my clientsexactly are.

"Oh yeah, that's just like him." Personally, I was impressed. How did he keep from getting arrested?

"Hear me sing," he practically ordered. So that's how Michael Jackson got a record deal, a direct demand. He took a microphone (where did that come from?) and started.

_**-random Michael Jackson Lyrics-**_

Friends and family, I have one request: GET ME EARMUFFS!

_**-more lyrics-**_

Please make the torture stop! My ears are going to die!

_**-even MORE lyrics-**_

Forget my ears; my brain is going to die!

_**-end of song-**_

He finally stopped.

"So―what time is it? 7:30? 8:00? Time for you to go?" I suggested, unable to keep the look of complete horror and discomfort off my face.

"No," he looked at the clock above me. "I'll stay." Damn, the time guarantee again…

"Is it odd that I desire to be him?" he asked. Odd? No! I just think you're tremendously stupid and weird, that's all. You're also a molester/rapist/pedophile. What's so odd about that?

"Of course not, everyone is different, that's all." I smiled.

This is going to be a long day…

―  
**A/N:** (pushes Primary off chair)

**TLS –** I quit!

**_TLP –_** And everything was going so well…! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU ALL HAVE DONE? YOU BETTER REVIEW! Or else…or else… no… more… ah… (I'm crying…you just can't see it…)

**As a side note, the whole 'vaginal discharge earth man' is just a weird little joke. If you on this Online English to Japanese/Japanese to English Dictionary, and type in 'oro', 'chi', and 'maru' separately, that's what you get… Weird, I know. Anyway, review please!**


End file.
